It is now that my life is mine
I’ve got this short time on earth
And my longing has brought me here
All I lacked and all I gained
Lena: My grandfather will have to paint another angel now.
And yet it’s the way that I chose
My trust was far beyond words
That has shown me a little bit
Of the heaven I’ve never found
I want to feel I’m alive
All my living days
I will live as I desire
I want to feel I’m alive
Knowing I was good enough
I have never lost who I was
I have only left it sleeping
Maybe I never had a choice
Just the will to stay alive
All I want isto be happy
Being who I am
To be strong and to be free
To see day arise from night
Daniel Daréus: When you like someone, how do you know that you love them? Lena: Well, you... it makes you happy when you see him. Daniel Daréus: Yes. And more? Lena: You, you think about him all the time. Daniel Daréus: Right. What else? Lena: You're happy when you're with him. Daniel Daréus: Happy when you are together... Lena... I love you.
I am here and my life is only mine
And the heaven I thought was there
I’ll discover it there somewhere
I want to feel that I’ve lived my life!
Forgive them. But the Dutch seemed to have become a lot more grumpier over the last few years. Coming to Amsterdam after I "officially" gave up my apartment in January, having lived here for five years, feels a bit different this time.... Back in my tourist role again... But with more inside (insight?) knowledge about this beautiful place than ever before. Over the past few years my view of the Dutch has also become a lot more tempered... maybe just more realistic...
Most Dutchies feel the future is not going to be as good as a few years ago... In a way the financial crisis has highlighted a few things... Fewer subsidies are forcing people to think differently about forming new partnerships... Mmm.... Seems to me quite a few people are finding it very tough to operate in this world where the certainties are becoming fewer and fewer... The "regels" are changing....
Many have questions about the assimilation of immigrants. A new law even forces people out of the country if they cannot learn the "taaltje". (The tiny Dutch language) Most of the advertisements for jobs state clearly that you won't be considered if you can't speak the "taal". Makes one think about the "lager" mentality of the Afrikaners in South Africa before the big fall of Apartheid. I also have to smile in my blue beard when they vehemently deny the "subtle" discrimination that is lingering under the surface in Dutch society. Maybe it is just the "onderrok" (Symbolic burka) hanging out ...very visibly... it is often also the ones who complain about the immigrants that are frequently also the ones who don't live near any.
I also understand much better now why so many South Africans are hesitant to get involved with the Dutch. And I can only speak from my own personal experience. The difference in so-called first world thinking and third world thinking is just so, well... different. I often feel like a juggler juggling a few paradoxical fireballs... character-vs-reputation... And looking with an African lens a privilege. It also highlights the fact that we only see what we want to see... So do I...
Having tried my heart out over the past few years to build bridges between South Africa and the Netherlands, it often left me totally confused. My Africanness (and weird thinking) often made me doubt myself and the way "we" do things and the way "they" do things... It is not easy to build business outside the framework of how things should be done in the Netherlands... My perception that the Dutch were some of the most open minded people in the world got dashed very quickly... Learning to think "inside" the box became a big challenge.
The Dutch are very good at complaining... Even with relative wealth and staged happiness, most of them have the ability to see a cloud in every silver lining. Even the weather... Well, in my opinion a very legitimate reason to complain, evokes strange reactions. If the sun sticks out its head after long rainy cold days, it is interesting to observe the Dutchies. They start smiling, sit outside with a coffee in hand... very "gezellig" (a word that gets to the heart of the Dutch psyche)... Just to duck-and-dive when the clouds gather again.
I often felt that Amsterdam would have been heaven if it wasn't for the Dutch. Sorry Dutchies, just some Allochtoon humour :-) There Is so much of Africa's blood and tears and gold invested in this country. And then, just when you want to give up on them, one of the several friends I have made here, does something to give me hope again. Yes, I have met some of the most wonderful people on this planet here in the Netherlands... different, but great people. People who continue to support me on the iSTART2 journey. People who give me hope that my investment in the Netherlands will not end in nothingness. People with African hearts... People who keep dreams of uniting diverse people of the world, alive, in this beautiful city...
In Amsterdam the streets are safe. Bike culture is healthy. Museums are well maintained. You can sit in a cafe sipping expensive coffee all day. Public places are well maintained. Public transport goes everywhere. The entire city is a world heritage site. Mind expansion is even available in different forms...
But I have become very weary of the Dutch over the past few years... Maybe just realizing that the utopia of freedom doesn't exist in Amsterdam? Maybe full understanding of the Dutch "treat" ? Maybe just the realization that it is good being South African... and I am glad I will be home soon. Maybe that is the biggest lesson I have learnt in Amsterdam: Freedom only exists within you... and, there is no place like home...
Blaas Jou Vuvuzela
Hopefully this post is proof that complaining can be quite "gezellig"... And proof that I have learnt from Amsterdam...
