Send in the Clowns...

Die doodsengel staan roerloos..... Vreemde gesigte staar en staan dan nader om n foto te neem saam die engel-with-a-difference  op die plein by die Dam. ’n Vinnige, senuagtige glimlag wat gekliek word met die straatkunstenaars voor die paleis. Braaf man... om so te posseer saam die doodsengel. Die kenmerkende lang lem van die panga in sy hand is genoeg om enige ou te laat sidder ... wil darem nie hierie oukie eendag ontmoet as ek my eerste tree aan die ander kant gee nie...

Ja, Amsterdam, my gunsteling plek op aarde. Dis Juliemaand 2009. Dis hier waar ek besef dat ek maar nog net een van biljoene mense is wat n lewe lei en dan die einde tegemoet spoed.... en dan..... verkrummeld, verwurmd of uit keuse, verast...die sirkelgang voltooi. Kafka se realistiese gevolgtrekking dat die doel van die lewe is om te eindig, onderspeel die surrealisme waarmee hy homself besig gehou het...Frankl weer, sien die doel van die lewe om ander te help. Ironies, is dit nie? En dalk issit net die doodsengel wat daai diep, diep, donker verstaan. Daai diep donker wat net kan kom van binne af...daar diep binne waar net JYself na JOUself kan kyk.... "The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory...."

Remember that life is a series of seasons. Every human being will have to endure the harshness of a few winters in order to get the glory of best summers. Never forget that winters do not last.

Dis nou amper drie jaar wat ek hier in Amsterdam probeer om ‘n lewe te maak....drie magiese jare waar ek net in die crowd kon verdwyn, waar ek die eina van die groot D-woord kon verwerk, waar ek kon begin vrede maak met so baie dinge, waar ek weer kon begin het om lief te raak vir myself. Daai D-i-v-o-r-c-e woord... ’n woord wat so ’n apokaliptiese gevoel hier in jou binneste los maak. Van nature het ek my hele lewe lank probeer om te fokus op positiewe dinge...en ook probeer om die eina van my egskeiding op ’n positiewe manier aan te pak...  Ja, ek probeer selfs om die dinge wat my nou regtig afpis  ( soos my aversie in die kerk) op ’n positiewe manier te “frame” Weet nou nie of dit die serotien is nie, maar ek is baie gelukkig om ’n gelukkige oukie te wees... vroeg reeds besef dat geluk net van myself afhang. Daarom ook dat ek nooit in my lewe probeer om ander mense gelukkig te maak nie.... want dis iets wat geen mens vir ’n ander kan doen nie... dit bly 'n keuse.

Nietzsche se woorde, 'He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.'"

Ja, ek kry my energie van die “why” ek dinge doen... van binne af, maar ook van mense.  En ja,  soms wanneer iemand vir wie ek baie omgee om een of ander rede tydelik of permanent uit my lewe verdwyn, is dit of daar n soort leegheid oor my kom en dan kan ek vir n dag of twee in die donker skadus van eensaamheid en jammerkry verval... die gevoel is gewoonlik vlietend... al los dit soms ’n scar wat lank vat om te genees. Die moeiliker ding vir my is wat hierdie “why’ in my lewe moet wees...

Join the Hope Club. Big, beautiful and seemingly impossible goals are superb vehicles to keep you inspired. Da Vinci said: “Fix your course to a star and you can navigate any storm.” When you are reaching for great and noble goals that speak to the best within you, your desire to reach them will pull you through the tough times that you will encounter along the seeker’s path.

Ek besef dis soms maar moeilik om vrinne te wees met ’n boheemse ou soos ek wat die lewe bevraagteken en soms die vreemdste geluide maak in respektabele geselskap... dit het makliker geword en ek kon ook begin om my eie weirdness te aanvaar (hoe moeilik issit dan nie vir my maaikies nie?) die oomblik toe ek myself begin oopmaak het vir ander very weird mense... en tot die ontdekking gekom het dat selfs... AHUM...rugby spelers (ek het selfs 'n game op Loftus gaan kyk!), drag queens, wicka witches, kokaien verslaafdes en selfs bedelaars hul eie betowering kan he... dalk is dit die pyn in my gesprekke met vele van hierdie mense, afgestroop van maskers, en hul betowerende eerlikheid, wat jou binneste deurmekaar skommel, optel, skud... en dan naak voor jou siel kom staan maak. Dit was lankal  nodig om my uit my kokonwereldjie te wurm.... 

Keep in mind, at all times, that we grow the most from our greatest suffering. As we go through it, it hurts. But as we move through it, it also heals. When a jug of water falls to the floor and cracks, what was hidden within begins to pour out. When life sends you one of its curves, remember that it has come to help crack you open so that all the love, power and potential that had been slumbering within you can be poured into the world outside you.

More vlieg ek Kairo toe......

Dis reeds amper agtuur toe die stem op die trem “Centraal Station...eindpunt” dawer en ek besef dat ek nie my paspoort gevat het nie..... Vir iemand wat alles op die nippertjie doen is daar ’n prys om te betaal as dinge verkeerd gaan... 50 euro later stop die taxi op Schiphol en is ek betyds vir my vlug...... Net voor elf land ons op Charles de Gaulle vir die oorklimvlug......so paar vinnige rokies buitekant en genoeg tyd om ‘n goeie duik te maak in die Bram Vermeulen-boek wat ek so inni hardloop op Schiphol opgetel het....Help, ik ben blank geworden.....

Ongemaklik om weer die realiteite van Suid afrika aan jou lyf te voel hier ver inni vreemde....weereens ‘n Nederlander wat die Afrika droom najaag uit n hollandse perspektief.. (Hoog tyd dat 'n Afrikaan bietjie skryf oor die laagland!) Hoe gelukkig is ons nie as afrikane om deel van die Afrika-suidpunt-kultuur te wees nie....al het dit eers heel laat in baie van ons lewens gebeur....dit sou nie die eerste keer op die trip wees wat ek my dankbaarheid van afrikaaan wees hardop dink nie. Gewis een van die beter boeke oor ons ingewikkelde landjie...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Met die aankoms op Kairo Internasionale lughawe word ons ingewag deur rye en rye soldate wat die hitte in uniform op die terrein aandurf..... my eerste gevoel is een van "Aaaag nou ja....seker maar die verskerpte veilgheid rondom die “oorlog” wat daar iewers tussen die Christene en die Muslims woed". ’n Paar jaar gelede is ‘n paar toeriste mos om die lewe gebring.... Hoekom laat hierdie rye en rye soldate my dan nou nie juis "veilig" voel nie ... laat my ook onwillekeurig terugdink toe ek vroeer die jaar sonder paspoort oor die grens Mexiko binnegegaan het... sonder paspoort... met rye en rye soldate wat die grenspos beskerm. 

Met die uitklimslag uit die bus word ons ingewag deur ‘n ry dames in steriele drag met maskers oor hul monde en ‘n vorm word summier onder jou neus gedruk ... simptome van varkgriep? ...en ritse ander vrae moet ingevul word.....is dit die voorspel van die epidemie wat op ons wag wanneer die ding nou nog erger word..... ek moes smaail....die meeste funny simptome was aanwesig by my.....varkgriep?

Dis eers later inni taxi oppad na die hotel waar die drywer my vertel dat die rye en rye soldate langs die pad wag op die koms van die President (weet nou nog nie sy naam nie!) Ons wag op die kaptein...

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain (Dalk 'n goeie slogan vir 'n sustainability bewuswordingscampaign?)

‘n Oordrewe irriterende vriendelikheid van die hulpgewende egiptenare val my dadelik op en die temperatuur in my lyf styg menigmaal die hoogte in.....ek het dalk nie met’ n fever hierheen gekom nie, maar as dit so aanhou sal ek beslis met een weggaan......

During tough times, there is a tendency to let go of yourself. As you encounter adversity, have the discipline to maintain your routine – get up early, do your holy hour, eat very well, exercise, spend time with nature. And make sure that you do all you can to keep all four of your central dimensions – the mind, the body, the emotions and the spirit – in fine operating order.

Van die ou wat ek vra waar die kitsbank is, tot die opdringerige taxibestuurders...hul base....die ontvangsklerk by die hotel.. net mooi elke mens wat ek ontmoet het die eerste paar dae,  het die vermoe gehad om my die bliksem in te maak..(watter clever sielkundige het nou weer "projeksie" as spieelbeeld van die eie self tot 'n beginsel verhef?) Nee kyk...hierie ouens negotiate op HULLE terme ...en as jy nie saamspeel nie, maak hulle dit baie moeilik.....ek voel die heeltyd of alles win-loose is......is dit maar net as gevolg van die duiselingwekkende hoofpyn wat gedurig in my kop rondspeel, of is dit dalk ‘n simptoom van die aambeie wat nou lekker groot geword het en seer sekerlik nie n rit op n kameel makliker gaan maak nie.... nietemin...so teen 10h30 is ek uiteindelik in my kamer en kon ek gou-gou op facebook een of ander dwase opmerking kwytraak voor ek aan die slaap geval het....

En toe was sy daar.....n pragtige jong meisie wat my omelet vir my maak met ontbyt.....loop oor van vriendelikheid, maar met n verskil, ai, skielik kry ek ‘n sprankie van hoop vir hierdie vreemde wesens. Die Conceirge verydel egter vinnig die flikker van hoop...die ontvangs gee een prys vir die taksi maar die Congeirge gee ’n ander gelaaide prys. Ek besef vinnig ek sal hierie ouens moet mooi uitkyk.....is toe ook per limousine... ’n mooi woord vir ‘n “airconditioned” 1400 taksi vroegoggend Kairo downtown toe......oppad gestop by 'n vriend van die drywer Yasser wat my ‘n goeie deal sou gee op ‘n Nyltrip...... na ek so bietjie rondgeloop het en shop vir n beter deal,  is ek steeds nie seker of dit alles rerig gaan uitwerk soos aan my belowe is nie..... die gevoel van distrust wat tussen my en hierdie Egiptenare bestaan wil maar net nie wyk nie...

Failure is a choice. Nothing can stop a man or a woman who simply refuses to be kept down. Just make a decision from the center of your heart that, no matter what happens to you, you will keep walking the authentic path. Doing so will ensure you a life of real success.

Die besoek aan die Egiptiese museum het die mistieke realitieite en fantasiee van al die ikone van Ramses, Cleopatra en natuurlik Tutankahmen, in my breinsel ingemessel..... die ou mense van amper 5 duisend jaar gelede was toe al “clever”... lyk net vir my of hulle in terme van mensvaardighede ook daar vasgehaak het...hehe.

Die terugrit taksi was n ervaring...die ou het nie n clue gehad waarheen om te gaan nie....dit het ook nie sy saak aangehelp dat die oop vensters glad nie verligting gebring het vir die versengende hitte binne in die kar nie... sal my nou leer om in Kairo altyd ’n “limousine” te vat. Groot was my verligting toe ek eindelik by my hotel afgelaai word.....en ALLES wat jy lees oor traffic in Kairo is WAAR.....moet nie eers daaraan dink om ‘n kar hier te huur nie.....never....never ... hoe daar nie veel meer ongelukke plaasvind nie is verbysterend... Min het ek toe besef dat die laaste gesig wat ek sou sien die oggend met my terugkeer huis toe, sou 'n dooie ou wees wat uit ’n omgekeerde taksi hang. Het jy daai doodsengel sien roer?

Moreoggend moet ek om 5 uur op die lughawe wees.....die  vlug na Luxor wag.....

Na ’n aand van geen slaap dommel ek vinnig in op die vliegtuig en word wakker met die aankondigings dat die vliegtuig gaan land in Aswan. Die Amerikaanse dame langs my gaan deurvlieg na Simbel...die mees suidelike dorp in Egipte. Lekker deur die weer en lekker vroeg net na sewe toe ek op Aswan lughawe uitstap en die hordes taxi drywers tegemoet loop wat jou amper forseer om hulle taxi te neem... die opdringerigheid waarmee die egiptenare hul ware en dienste aan jou probeer afsmeer het my geweldig irriteer, maar later, namate ek al meer ontspan het op die trip, het dit soms nogal ‘n uitdaging geword om totaal buite hul strategie te onderhandel....... verdubbel hulle prys en hulle weet glad nie wat om te doen nie......of seg net: Ek seg “NEE...DO YOU UNDERSTAND?.....EN GEE SO KWAAI KYK.....nie iets wat hulle maklik afskrik nie...of vra die beste prys en seg dan nee met ‘n glimlag... dan sien jy gou hoe die prys van 350 egiptiese ponde sak na 50 pond... maar nou ja.... XL hemp is beslis nie ekstra large nie....amper standaard dat jy besef na ‘n transaksie dat jy ingedoen is....

Twaalf mediese studente van n paar verskillende lande is my metgeselle op die boot in ASWAN... was vir hulle seker vreemd om hierie south african saam hulle te he, maar het darem so met verloop van tyd tot op “kennis” vlak met n paar van hulle gekom....

“A lively imagination is one of the best companions” -Cabin Fever- My hand, my hand, my hand. (of issit nou weer hump?)

In Aswan het ek die Saterdag die toergids vir myself gehad en dis eers hier waar ek die trip nou eintlik eers begin geniet het. Ons is na n eiland waar ek met n soux op die dam soos n wafferse VIP die reuines  besoek het.....later die dag sou ek die Nubia village besoek en met n soux die Nyl opvaar..... 'n haarsny ook ingekry waarvan die quote 30 Pond was maar met die opstaanslag moes ek 140 pond betaal....elke keer se storie... jy dink dit kos een bedrag en moet dan veel meer betaal... 

En toe vaar die boot......tot by Kom Ombo......waar ons na die Edfu tempel toe was. Deur die nag gevaar en sesuur sondagoggend wakker gemaak om uit te stap ......lekker aanboord geswem ook en later in die kamer agtergekom dat die egiptiese son nie jou maaikie is nie....wit word bloedrooi......sal my leer om braaf te probeer wees....

“The dust of exploded beliefs may make a fine sunset.” (Altyd gewonner hoekom die Afrika son so mooi is)

In Luxor was die Luxor tempel al die Sondagaand al op die program....sphinxes, ‘n obelisk en groot beelde van Ramses maak die meeste indruk. Na die heerlike aandete raak ek sommer vinnig aan die slaap.....die sesuur wake-up call kom veels te vroeg...... 

“Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these”

Maandagoggend sewe uur is ons in die minibus oppad na die Valley of the Kings.... dis vrekVREK warm.....maar die Tutankahmun tombe maak die trip die moeite werd...barre wereld....nie eens n plantjie wat daar groei nie....net 62 tombes.....

'n Besoekie aan Hatshepsut se tempel met die berg op die agtergrond is n asemrowende gesig om te sien.....

"Drop of plain water on thirsty tongue more precious than gold in purse"

By die tempel van Karnak het ek halt geroep .......eerder n sigaret gerook en coke gedrink....die hitte slaan mens heel onderstebo..... sit nou hier en wag   vir sewe uur om aan te breek sodat ek die vlug kan vat terug Cairo toe..... drie heerlike dae op die Nyl......

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
- Douglas Adams

Elke keer as ek vir myself kyk is ek gryser en gryser. Wag nog angstig vir die beloofde "wysheid".....Ja, was goed om bietjie ‘n ander wereld te ervaar.....en Egipte is n HEEL ander wereld.....praat sokker en seg jy kom uit Suid-Afrika, dan raak die egiptenare baie vriendelik....baie duidelik dat dit net is om n pond te score..... die oomlik as die transaksie afgehandel is word daar jag gemaak op die volgende slagoffer. Esnawy, my gids was nogal heel vriendelik en behulpsaam.....tog wonner mens die heeltyd of jy hulle kan vertrou.....

Die vlug na Kairo was kort en lekker. Het selfs in die Business class gesit...haha....

Vreemd die rye het begin by nr 21 ....en ek was ry 24......gevolglik het ek tot amper heel agter geloop voor ek besef het ry 24 is eintlik die 4^de ry... Huh?

Sit nou hier in die Golden Tulip Flamenco Hotel en peins oor die tydjie hier in Egipte..... waar ek die eerste 3 dae gewonner het hoekom iemand nou juis hier sal wil woon, sit ek nou na 10 dae en dink waar my volgende trip in Egipte gaan wees..... die plek het maar n manier om in jou siel in te klim.....

Feel your feelings. When you are facing hard times, some people will tell you to “just think positive thoughts.” Such advice is not helpful. While living in the past is unhealthy, one must not rush to reframe a so-called negative event as a positive one. Doing so will throw you into denial. Feel through the feelings of hurt, anger or sadness that will naturally surface. It’s okay to be with them. Processing through them allows you to release them. Just don’t get stuck in them.

Achmat en Ehub was my drywer en gids vanoggend na die sphinx en piramides......was lekker om die geskiedenis en karakters te kon volg in die gids se "storytelling"....die prentjie is voltooi. 

"Sitting: ....a shackle for the free" Dalk moet ons 'n bumper sticker van die bordjie maak :-)

Piramides is groter as wat hulle op die oog af lyk..... so ook die sfinx...... een van die laaste oorblywende ou wonders van die wereld.... n voorreg om hier te kon wees.... die stad met sy vuilgeid en al is aan’t "lewe"... en kruip in jou in... hang maar net af met watse hart en oog jy die spul bekyk.... en ja...ek het die egiptenare vergewe vir al die Pounds wat hulle uit my het...hulle was so biekie slimmer as ek..... naiwieteit is n virtue....ingewortelde skills het my outdone, outsmart en outplay!

"Organized religion: the world's largest pyramid scheme."

En more verjaar ek.....haha..... die halfeeumerk is naby..... snaaks hoe vinnig tyd verby vlieg as jy die lewe geniet..... en hoe vinnig het die jare nie verby gespoed nie..... soe!!

"However......“Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences.”

Op die vlug terug na Amsterdam vang ek myself keer op keer dat ek wonner wat ek met myself die volgende paar jaar gaan doen.....wil ek rerig terug Suid Afrika toe...nee... Wil ek rerig nog sukkel om mense te probeer oortuig dat ons moet fokus op sustainability?....'n Gevoel en werklikheidsbesef wat net sterker word namate ek die een wonderlike plek na die ander besoek....ons het n pragtige aarde......en ons verwoes hom.....wil ek? Kan ek nog een dag mors?

Remember that, no matter how hard things get, you are never alone.

 "Da's 'n gaaikie inni mirrel funny C"

Op Nederlandse TV oor Suid Afrika is die munisipale massas weer besig om te staak....... en beelde van hoe die polisie die stakers met rubberkoeels skiet word weer die wereld oor gestuur.... gaan Zuma, of eerder, HOE gaan Zuma hierdie politieke speletjie speel.? Die religion kaart help darem om so baie van die gewone ous op straat op sy plek te hou......sad...sad...sad......en so baie mense val daarvoor en daaroor.....bly maar moeilik om vir jouself te dink......

Die lot van die arm en middelklas...... give them religion... net Mari Antoinette wat haar vergis het deur te dink koek gaan die ding doen… of die Huisgenoot credo: Broeke-, koeke- en Boekevat! Gee my eerder opium...

Isn't it rich?

Isn't it queer?

Loosing my timing this late in my career

And where are the clowns?

There ought to be clowns

Don't bother next year....

Take risks! Die doodsengel staan roerloos....

Slave to the Wage

"Slave To The Wage"

Run away from all your boredom

Run away from all your whoredom and wave

Your worries, and cares, goodbye

All it takes is one decision

A lot of guts, a little vision to wave

Your worries, and cares goodbye

It's a maze for rats to try 

It's a race, a race for rats

A race for rats to die

It's a race, a race for rats

A race for rats to die

Oh boy did I try to run this race…….until I realized that even if I would be one of the lucky ones to win it….. I would still be a rat……so….after having lived in the Netherlands for  a few months…. I realized that I had to give up doing what I was trying to do…. I had to listen to my heart …and focus the rest of my life on what my soul told me to do…. all it takes is one decision...

Mmm… a big step for a not-so-confident guy with a not-so-impressive brain and oh-so-very-many-vulnerabilities.  But …what the heck…we only live once... And even though my list of weaknesses seem longer than the advertisements in the Snuffelcolumn of the Snuffelgids, I know there is one thing I can do very well… and that is to make big dreams come true. This lifetime is also just way too short to do all the things that I want to do, so I really hope that I can come back one day (even if it is just to see and experience the latest version of the iPad).

I therefore seriously believe (and hope!) that there is a Greater Power … I call it the Universe… or even God if you like… NOT the kind of god I find Christians and other religious groupings trying to convince me of…I like the simple things in life, so I hope God is an omniscient all knowing god who doesn’t give a sh** about what religious franchise I belong to…but a God who is a God for everybody….

The more I travel the world the more I realize that any ONE religion cannot be THE right religion…. Would God really be that stupid to condemn billions of people forever and ever?? I am prepared to risk eternity on the fact that I believe and hope there is a God …but an intelligent and great God… Not the vicious guy in the sky the Dutch (sorry Dutchies) Reformed church tried make me believe in…. and the more I travel, the more I realize how many people out there know that the bullsh** indoctrination by many churches are fairy tale stories to fill their own pockets.

Yeah... I am sure even the God of the Dutch Reformed Church will laugh (come on...he would at least smile!!) at this guy!

When I observe two of the most powerful religious groupings in the world…the Christians and Muslims…. Both of them preach respect and peace…. But they can’t even take hands on a leadership level…where does this leave you and me? Us, the common people…..huh….and lest me not forget the uncommon ones amongst us. Ordinary people who are in a much lesser position to try and make a difference and make change happen here… Hell …hell, somewhere some pranksters are just bul*****g us for their own egos and money in their pockets. And so many of us fall for it??  Luckily we all have the power of choice… and I respect this choice you make… even if I may not agree with it. At the end of the day we are responsible for our own souls…. And only I (you) can decide my (your) own destiny. All of life, and death, it seems, is a choice.

The one thing I have learnt as an entrepreneur was that you can never give up… NEVER ever! I have also learnt that you can blame no one but yourself if things don’t turn out the way you wanted it be. A big part of my decision to follow my soul, was a decision AGAINST the things in my life that stopped me from reaching my dream….I had to walk away from the things that drained my energy. (At some stage I had the urge to publish “the finger” in the Sunday Times in South Africa …with one word beneath it….SETAS…haha…. luckily I never had the money to do it… )  For our non- South African friends …the SETAS are government bodies who regulate education and training in South Africa on a sectorial (sectarian?) basis. I mean this would get my company into deep trouble….

And still today some of my companies and some of my dearest friends are trying to build their entrepreneurial businesses on this circus… whoooof….The day I walked away from the SETAS evoked a similar emotional ecstasy as the day I walked out of formal employment sixteen years ago. Orgasmic! How many times have you considered giving your boss the middle finger? Shit on his desk?…and just walk out to start your own business…. Far too few of us eventually do this….

Well, I must admit…. It takes effort and craziness (not guts) to run away from bosses.... An even bigger turn off for me are banks… those elephant institutions that milk you for every cent you have worked for….and then wallow in their bonuses (sic)… Somehow Banks and Bosses conjures up a similar uncomfortable feeling in my soul (and uneasiness in my stomach).  Looking at some prominent bank slogans really make me smile:

Lloyds TSB banking - You first. Banking worth talking about

Lloyds TSB -  The bank that likes to say Yes

AIB - Allied Irish Bank - Your Life. Anything is possible. Be with AIB

Barclays bank - Fluent in finance. It's our business to know your business

ING Direct bank. Save Your Money!

ABN AMRO bank - Making more possible

Do we dare mention the slogans of South African banks? Hehe… First National Bank?? How can we ....what?? Pe- LEASE ....

Yes, I have a few turn-offs ( my tongue is always firmly in my cheek) ...and irritants in life:   

Bosses...  
Arrogance...  
SETAS... (I diligently support my government, but....) 
Banks, 
the words ”dat kan niet” (it can't), 
Burocrats...  
Human Resources (sorry guys, I love you,  but I think if we could fire all HR people the world will be a much better place… and then get all of them to focus their energy on Sustainability), 
Rules and regulations….  
Visas (Zwervers ... nomads... and World Citizens just do not fit the little “allochtone” (yuk!) hokje/ box /doos (?),  

Religion…. 
The pope,
The engee church (ouch for another Dutch invention)….
….and Judas people

But, on a  serious note. Over the past five years I have had three heart attacks … two major heart operations and seven operations where they had to put stents in my veins to keep me alive…you don’t have to be a statistics boffin to work out the odds…hehe… I better enjoy every second of my life….it is then that material things move way down on the importance scale.... and you really have to decide where you wanna be one day. (This afterlife thingy is upfront in my mind) I have to do what I love with all my heart with people whom I WANT to be with….and with people whom I want to work with…

In Amsterdam I have lots of time to think…. During my life I had the opportunity to meet the most wonderful people …. Friends who have influenced me in very unique and profound ways …. Some of them have been in my life for many years….some great people have recently became friends but I know I will keep them as friends for years to come…some have disappeared… some never really became friends... and some whom I thought have disappeared, miraculously re-appeared on Facebook. Incredible! 

But if I have to narrow it down to the five people who have influenced my life and my being in a very profound (?) way… it explains a little bit about my fascination with the Netherlands?

Jan van Riebeeck…

I  owe my whole life to this oke….I mean if it wasn’t for him, The first Frenchman (funny enough also a Pierre du Toit) wouldn’t have set foot on South African soil back in the 16 hundreds. Yes, Jan van Riebeeck…. The dutch guy who founded the Cape of Good Hope! It was only later on in life when I realized that he wasn’t REALLY the founder of South Africa and that there WAS actually a history before he came. Back then, JvR was the head of the VOC trading post in Vietnam. However, he was called back from this post as it was discovered that he was conducting trade for his own account. ( Later I had to learn that this is very much part of the Dutch way of doing….. and we even see the implant of this in the dna of many South Africans today)

In 1651 he was requested to undertake the command of the initial Dutch settlement in the future South Africa. He landed three ships Drommedaris, Reijger and Goede Hoop at the future Cape Town on 6 April 1652 and fortified the site as a way-station for the VOC trade route between the Netherlands and the East Indies. The Walvisch and the Oliphant arrived later, having had 130 burials at sea. (The symbol of the Elephant continued to play a role in future.... isn't it strange that the crocodile only featured later in the 1970's)

An interesting fact about Van Riebeeck is that two of his sons completed their law studies at the university of Leiden in 1673…. Leiden…a beautiful city about half an hour by train from Amsterdam… the birthplace (some sources say Amsterdam) of the next most important guy in my life….

Hendrik French Verwoerd…

The founder and architect of Apartheid….in fact his apartheid policies impacted the lives of many millions of people here on the southern tip of Africa. Klein Hendrikkie was the second child of Anje Strik and Wilhelmus Johannes Verwoerd. His father was a shopkeeper and a deeply religious man (Oh sh....) who decided to move to South Africa in 1903 because of his sympathy towards the Afrikaner nation after the South African War. Hendrik Verwoerd had an elder brother named Leendert and a younger sister named Lucie. In 1913, the family moved to Bulawayo (Rhodesia), the elder Verwoerd became an assistant evangelist in (Mmm...wait for it...yeah...you've guessed it) ...the Dutch reformed Church.(Where else?)

The day groot Hendrikkie died is one of my earliest memories. On 6 September 1966, Verwoerd was assassinated in Cape Town. A uniformed parliamentary messenger named Dimitri Tsafendas stabbed Verwoerd in the neck and chest four times before being subdued by other members of the Assembly. Members who were also trained as medical practitioners rushed to the aid of Verwoerd and started administering cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Verwoerd was rushed to Groote Schuur Hospital, but was declared dead upon arrival.

Tsafendas escaped the death penalty on the grounds of insanity. (Insanity?) Judge Beyers ordered Tsafendas to be imprisoned indefinitely at the "State President's pleasure." Who ever thought then, that some day way into the future, we would have a real President… a President for everybody.

Verwoerd's funeral, attended by a quarter of a million people, was held in Pretoria on 10 September 1966….almost exactly 44 years ago. He was buried in the Hero's Acre (hehe!) in front of the Union Buildings. But he left a legacy…..

"Is not our role to stand for the one thing which means our own salvation here but with which it will also be possible to save the world, and with which Europe will be able to save itself, namely the preservation of the white man and his state?" Urgh! Bleh!

(Having had the pleasure of observing the duck and dive politics in the Netherlands it was and is quite interesting to watch a new clown.... "geert wilders" trying to achieve a similar agenda … Dutchies ...please... please....please learn from South Africa.....)

The Lion & the Elephant. As Minister of Native Affairs, Verwoerd palavered endlessly with tribal chiefs, endlessly exhorted the Africans: "We should live apart, as the lion and the elephant live apart." (Remember the ship "Elephant" in the Van Riebeeck years?! 130 buriels at sea... mmm...elephant thinking .....)


"Because Dr. Hendrik Verwoerd was an immoral man. I decided to stab him; so I killed him." Tsafendas....a modern day Judas Iscariot? Or maybe he should get his place next to Verwoerd in the Hero's Acre one day...)

And then he came… A man with the most interesting beautiful hands I have ever seen… a symbol of HOPE… Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela…a living legend… an example to the rest of the world….

A man who shares one value in life, with what another very important person in my life, my mother, Rina du Toit, taught me.  The value that no one person is more important than the other… And that we can only be because of other people. “I am because you are”

It took me a year or two to realize that I am definitely not European…. I am way too different to be a  Dutchy in Dutchland…once an African always an African…and apart from a few French songs and movies, I know very little about the French culture (so the only thing French about me is my name and surname... and what's in a name?)


However, I know we as South Africans must (?) take hands with the Dutchies… there are so many things we can learn from each other… so… I have started in my small way to build a bridge … and I hope more of you will join me on this incredible journey…

Speak to you soon!

Ne me quitte pas...

September 2010.....Four years in Amsterdam.... I can still remember September 2006, the month I arrived with my suitcase in my hand.... it feels like it was only yesterday....

..I can still remember that if I could, I would have pressed cntrl – alt – delete on 2006! To describe it as an annus horribles would have probably been an understatement. I was in and out of hospital. None of the big projects I planned materialized. Not even one of my fancy plans really worked out. Did I hear the SETA penny drop? It took me a while, didn’t it?

Luckily Jupiter was changing course…and I was quite excited about the 7 in 2007!! The learning process continued ….even though there is a positive correlation with the intake of gaviscon, it also made everything I believed about Newton’s laws null and void. (What goes up…yeah!) The best times I have had had always been the times where it was about SURVIVAL ....and when I look back, I realize how crucial it was to go through the troughs, the thunder and the rain. (What goes down must come up!) It made me stronger and encouraged me to face the challenges I found on my path ahead. Living life forwards and understanding it backwards had its advantages!

In 2006 I truly became a super athlete. I was running, and running and running in the bush and then … I stopped. Got into the highest tree and looked at the horizon. And what did I see? I just saw water….deep dark water where the bottom wasn’t even visible! I looked at the bush that surrounded me and realized I had to get out of it, give up the life I had been leading. . It was time to make a break. I realized that if I didn’t do it right away, it might never happen. Luckily one does not drown by plunging into the water, you only drown if you keep your head beneath it! So I decided to take the dive …

My favourite song about my favourite city AMSTERDAM...... (performed here in French by Philippe Elan... someone whom later became a very dear friend) .... (Just click here to hear it!)

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who sings
Of the dreams that he brings
From the wide open sea
In the port of Amsterdam

There's a sailor who sleeps

While the riverbank weeps

With the old willow tree

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who dies
Full of beer, full of cries
In a drunken down fight
And in the port of Amsterdam

There's a sailor who's born

On a muggy hot morn

By the dawn's early light

In the port of Amsterdam
Where the sailors all meet
There's a sailor who eats
Only fishheads and tails
He will show you his teeth

That have rotted too soon

That can swallow the moon

That can haul up the sails

And he yells to the cook
With his arms open wide
Bring me more fish
Put it down by my side
Then he wants so to belch

But he's too full to try

So he gets up and laughs

And he zips up his fly

In the port of Amsterdam
You can see sailors dance
Paunches bursting their pants
Grinding women to paunch
They've forgotten the tune

That their whiskey voice croaks

Splitting the night with the

Roar of their jokes

And they turn and they dance
And they laugh and they lust
Till the rancid sound of
The accordion bursts
Then out to the night

With their pride in their pants

With the slut that they tow

Underneath the street lamps

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who drinks
And he drinks and he drinks
And he drinks once again
He drinks to the health

Of the whores of Amsterdam

Who have promised their love

To a thousand other men

They've bargained their bodies
And their virtue long gone
For a few dirty coins
And when he can't go on
He plants his nose in the sky

And he wipes it up above

And he pisses like I cry

For an unfaithful love

In the port of Amsterdam
In the port of Amsterdam


Uncertainty about the future is always good breeding ground for great change. Arrived in Amsterdam during the hottest autumn they have had since 1629.
History in the making…or just… earth warming!? It is only during the last few November days that it actually become quite cold in the evenings...daytime still around 9/11 degrees (the Dutch paranoia about terrorism affected me!). I kept on forgetting to take an umbrella and often got back to my flat soaking wet. They expected a very cold winter….and everybody warned me that I had to stock up on the valiums and cannabis. I much rather preferred to stick to vegetable soup and special mild. Oh yes, if you plan on visiting me …a carton B & H Special Mild (nowadays Kent Special please!!) is my entry-level expectation!

Achievements? Uh! The path the first few months was a bit different to what I imagined. Yes, there were many little bugs in this so-called first world system withholding me from doing all the things I wanted to do. No Internet connection (is this 2006?) Makwerekwere cannot get connected without citizenship….maybe a blessing in disguise (?), no SKYPE (sorry Christo K!) Spar didn’t want to accept my Visa card…and that I found out at the till after I have packed my week’s food in and out of the basket (Spar good for me!) . . . I then had to go shopping even further away…..this undoubtedly made me more fit. Everything was VERY expensive….R25 for a coke, R25 for a cup of coffee, R12 for half a bread, R46 for a packet of smokes        ( and they did not even sell my brand!) R12 000 rental per month for an “apartment” as big as a stamp …. It was impossible (?) to open a bank account ….I have also paid Vodafone R4000 for 3G . . .only to find out that it would not get me connected. . I mean, they could have told me that BEFORE I paid! (Sorry Tan!)

All these basic (?) challenges must be seen as a way to transform myself into what I wish to become. I can never allow myself to be discouraged or give up hope. So I am definitely not complaining. I am merely paying the price for my mistakes and lack of attention to detail. I have accepted long time ago that we only learn through our mistakes and all of this is HUGE learning. (the concept of lifelong learning is after all, it seems, not just a buzzword) Small victories every day will lead to big victories at the end. You can also not hurry these things, every seed takes time to grow and develop. So will this one!

Have I worked out what would happen if I did not succeed? Retreat in silence and write it off as a learning experience? Go back with my tail between my legs and admit that I have failed? Blame the Dutch!! I have given myself one year to try and prove that I can make it in Europe. A very short time to try and setup a company, but it is also a very long time …things can change overnight. One had to just light quite a few fires and watch them...kindle them. Sometimes when one least expects it, a new door opens. One intuitively knows that something will work out, but you hand yourself over to the universe and hope that going with the flow will lead to outcomes you may never have dreamt of. It is not necessary to understand all the details and implications...the freedom of choice gives one the courage to decide on a course of action and follow it through. I was going to need a lot of support from the team back home, but I can never let them take responsibility for what I have to do here. The beauty about responsibility is that I cannot hide behind blaming anybody else for my actions. I must stand or fall by it.

For the first time in a long time I got the opportunity to rest. Sometimes I spent whole days just thinking. Feeling guilty about this is natural, I think? One thing I have learnt over the years is that we create the future with our own thoughts. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself that thinking is hard work . .what we think, happens . . . that is why I am a staunch believer in miracles . . .think it, then…believe it!! Do I sometimes doubt my uncommon sense? Of course!! Life here would be way too boring and expensive without dashes of paradox to spice it up.

But, there is so much to be grateful for….my team back home who gave me this opportunity, my friends and family who communicate and sms almost every day. The very friends who have stood by me through thick and thin over the years. One sms R20, one phone call R100, one flight R7000. . . friendship, priceless!

Belinda, always encouraging and caring, Emmie, always dispensing her wisdom and aphorisms free of charge…. sustainable friendship...??? :-)... Mark, always ready with a witty comment and some encouraging words…go U K! Stefanie, unique, trusting, and a friend . . . always. Christo gooi the taaltje in every sms. (and is he doing a great job, or what!?) Willem, phoning when I really need someone to talk to (thanx ouboet!). . .Phillip reminding me that there are people who care (? :-)… Israel and Seipati phoning out of the blue. Janneman always upbeat! A joke from Liza, a word or two from Gaby, Tan’s eye on my spending spree and Gert trying to solve an unsolvable internet connection. Ulrich, thanx for bringing laughter and humour! Hell, how I wish you guys were here!!!

How can anyone forget South Africa with its wonderful people? I still cannot understand how some people could migrate (or run away to this?) …we live in the best place in the world!!! But because moving here was the road I have chosen…it makes it easier in some sort of way. Yes, here are many difficulties I have not reckoned with, but the touch of madness in this irresponsible step into the unknown has awoken an inner strength that is very hard to explain. I have also realized that I have very few strengths I can rely on (a reality check always convinces me that living in a fantasy is a much better option). It is also true that when we dig our own grave, we tend to dig very deep!

But there is always hope and belief….and the knowledge that I am now truly trying to make dreams come true. When you expect so much of yourself, the expectation of people back home grows even bigger… ITO has to support me … my team must run the business to their best ability…they have to take responsibility for a lot of mistakes I have made …wow, this is scary stuff…. I have always known that it is never about myself…and no man is an island….this experience confirms it once again. Does my team realize this?

The most important objective I aim to achieve is to LEARN….The language? Why business works in a certain way? How to break the rules? Everything Here Is OVERGEREGELD so I am sure I am breaking quite a few rules just by doing nothing! One has to also break the rules to be able to write new ones, I suppose! How to be unique? (easy one!) How to convince people to buy my business concept? How to try and convince business people to come to SA? And, most importantly? To create possibilities for South Africans to travel, and work, worldwide. Do you ever get to the end of the horizon?

The most important thing I am going to need here is perseverance…..that I found out very quickly … there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t do this, but I will have to rise above this and continue to chase the dream. Experiencing the same problems over and over has taught me to learn the things I do not necessarily want to learn…and it gives me experience. (Having had the pleasure of practicing with my steam iron a couple of times certainly convinced me that some competencies are definitely part of the female DNA! Help!

Someone once said that the best way of communicating with the angels is to talk to yourself. Yes, I have tried it several times….and yes, I also think I am going from slightly mad to …. (You work it out!) For the first time in a long time I can actually hear myself think again…and I just realize once again that what I think most of the time is really frightening. Utter bullshit is probably a good way to describe all the nonsense going through my mind. But it is FUN! Sorry tannie Gill . . . I know you understand!

Being afraid of the future has not changed ...in fact, the longer I stay here, the more afraid I become….The WHAT IF questions keep on running through my mind. What if I don’t sign up anybody? What if I do not get any work? What if we do not get enough work back home to keep me here…and what if I do not conform (suits? Ties?) to what is required…???? ( Ja, Pieter, I am sure you can relate to this!)

I find myself in a world where everything I was used to, everything I knew, all of a sudden became so unimportant, even useless. I have to unlearn so many things, and I have to learn to do so many new things. I am often very afraid to get myself to experience those new things. I often know I am going to fail even before I try them. So I have convinced myself to better fail quickly! And then I must get back onto that horse and try again ( we are normally the only people who sulk about our own bruised ego’s … and other people also do not have time to indulge in our misery, they have their own ego’s to worry about!) Overcoming obstacles gives me the confidence to continue my journey. So I try to do one new thing every day…Trying it …and often, trying again… and later, solving it! While I am here I am also going to explore the rest of the world. Have you not dreamt about getting on that train to no-where?

Things that seemed difficult all of a sudden start becoming easier. One of the big headaches was this “taaltje” that is very similar to Afrikaans, but also very unlike Afrikaans. At first I couldn’t follow a single sentence when people speak fast. I looked at all the beautiful women …but when they open their mouths you only hear a gg..u..gg..o….ge and jajaja…or JAAAA!!! In your face! Terrible!

It was then that it dawned on me ……. I will have to change! I must start liking them and I will have to force myself to think Dutch is not such a shit language!! Even in its written form, it looks like someone sat on a typewriter! As time goes by I am fortunately starting to make more sense of what people say. The repetitive adverts on TV help a great deal. For someone not used to watching TV, watching ads is more degrading than watching Sewende Laan. Sorry Flippie! But this isn’t called the lowlands for nothing…so let’s go low!! Still a long way from speaking it, but it is becoming a bit easier. I bought a course to learn the language …and added it to my goals. By the end of next year I want to be able to converse in Dutch! It is not a mindset…it is a mindf….(to quote the great buffalo!)

Life is different here. No BMW!! (Quite a few that belongs to other people!) Just my bicycle and in abundance: buses, taxis, trams and trains! Before you can apply for a parking space you have to stay here for 5 years or alternatively, pay R350 per DAY to park your car. And we think it is expensive to park at OR Tambo Airport! The new black, beautiful bicycle will have to be my means of transport for the next year…many times even more basic…my feet...they are free and always (?) willing!

Sometimes I just sit here and look at how life around me happens….it feels like I am in a movie house and all sorts of different acts are happening all around me. And so many people just do their own thing…Hare Krishna’s singing their message to the world, endless tourists with backpacks, Busloads of Chinese people taking pictures of everything that moves and doesn’t move, boats on the many canals, pigeons everywhere, even Sinterklaas is real (I promise you! I have seen him with my own eyes!)

In essence, life here carries you from one unknown to the next. It is almost like being in a maze and you never know what surprise or mystery is going to be around the next corner. What I see as exceptions will probably become the rules of the future. You bet, I will continue to try and make new ones!

Ps: Most people only get to visit great works of art . . . the Dutch get to live in one.



....and today, 7 September 2010,  it is four years later.... so much has happened...  my life has changed in so many ways ....

I will continue to write about my experiences, insights and the magic of life..... and if you can stomach and bare my scribblings  (in my half baked English.... en ek skryf soms in Afrikaans ook ja!)... please join me on this site....