..I can still remember that if I could, I would have pressed cntrl – alt – delete on 2006! To describe it as an annus horribles would have probably been an understatement. I was in and out of hospital. None of the big projects I planned materialized. Not even one of my fancy plans really worked out. Did I hear the SETA penny drop? It took me a while, didn’t it?
Luckily Jupiter was changing course…and I was quite excited about the 7 in 2007!! The learning process continued ….even though there is a positive correlation with the intake of gaviscon, it also made everything I believed about Newton’s laws null and void. (What goes up…yeah!) The best times I have had had always been the times where it was about SURVIVAL ....and when I look back, I realize how crucial it was to go through the troughs, the thunder and the rain. (What goes down must come up!) It made me stronger and encouraged me to face the challenges I found on my path ahead. Living life forwards and understanding it backwards had its advantages!
In 2006 I truly became a super athlete. I was running, and running and running in the bush and then … I stopped. Got into the highest tree and looked at the horizon. And what did I see? I just saw water….deep dark water where the bottom wasn’t even visible! I looked at the bush that surrounded me and realized I had to get out of it, give up the life I had been leading. . It was time to make a break. I realized that if I didn’t do it right away, it might never happen. Luckily one does not drown by plunging into the water, you only drown if you keep your head beneath it! So I decided to take the dive …
My favourite song about my favourite city AMSTERDAM...... (performed here in French by Philippe Elan... someone whom later became a very dear friend) .... (Just click here to hear it!)
In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who sings
Of the dreams that he brings
From the wide open sea
In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who sleeps
While the riverbank weeps
With the old willow tree
In the port of AmsterdamThere's a sailor who dies
Full of beer, full of cries
In a drunken down fight
And in the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who's born
On a muggy hot morn
By the dawn's early light
In the port of AmsterdamWhere the sailors all meet
There's a sailor who eats
Only fishheads and tails
He will show you his teeth
That have rotted too soon
That can swallow the moon
That can haul up the sails
And he yells to the cookWith his arms open wide
Bring me more fish
Put it down by my side
Then he wants so to belch
But he's too full to try
So he gets up and laughs
And he zips up his fly
In the port of AmsterdamYou can see sailors dance
Paunches bursting their pants
Grinding women to paunch
They've forgotten the tune
That their whiskey voice croaks
Splitting the night with the
Roar of their jokes
And they turn and they danceAnd they laugh and they lust
Till the rancid sound of
The accordion bursts
Then out to the night
With their pride in their pants
With the slut that they tow
Underneath the street lamps
In the port of AmsterdamThere's a sailor who drinks
And he drinks and he drinks
And he drinks once again
He drinks to the health
Of the whores of Amsterdam
Who have promised their love
To a thousand other men
They've bargained their bodiesAnd their virtue long gone
For a few dirty coins
And when he can't go on
He plants his nose in the sky
And he wipes it up above
And he pisses like I cry
For an unfaithful love
In the port of AmsterdamIn the port of Amsterdam
Uncertainty about the future is always good breeding ground for great change. Arrived in Amsterdam during the hottest autumn they have had since 1629.
History in the making…or just… earth warming!? It is only during the last few November days that it actually become quite cold in the evenings...daytime still around 9/11 degrees (the Dutch paranoia about terrorism affected me!). I kept on forgetting to take an umbrella and often got back to my flat soaking wet. They expected a very cold winter….and everybody warned me that I had to stock up on the valiums and cannabis. I much rather preferred to stick to vegetable soup and special mild. Oh yes, if you plan on visiting me …a carton B & H Special Mild (nowadays Kent Special please!!) is my entry-level expectation!
Achievements? Uh! The path the first few months was a bit different to what I imagined. Yes, there were many little bugs in this so-called first world system withholding me from doing all the things I wanted to do. No Internet connection (is this 2006?) Makwerekwere cannot get connected without citizenship….maybe a blessing in disguise (?), no SKYPE (sorry Christo K!) Spar didn’t want to accept my Visa card…and that I found out at the till after I have packed my week’s food in and out of the basket (Spar good for me!) . . . I then had to go shopping even further away…..this undoubtedly made me more fit. Everything was VERY expensive….R25 for a coke, R25 for a cup of coffee, R12 for half a bread, R46 for a packet of smokes ( and they did not even sell my brand!) R12 000 rental per month for an “apartment” as big as a stamp …. It was impossible (?) to open a bank account ….I have also paid Vodafone R4000 for 3G . . .only to find out that it would not get me connected. . I mean, they could have told me that BEFORE I paid! (Sorry Tan!)
All these basic (?) challenges must be seen as a way to transform myself into what I wish to become. I can never allow myself to be discouraged or give up hope. So I am definitely not complaining. I am merely paying the price for my mistakes and lack of attention to detail. I have accepted long time ago that we only learn through our mistakes and all of this is HUGE learning. (the concept of lifelong learning is after all, it seems, not just a buzzword) Small victories every day will lead to big victories at the end. You can also not hurry these things, every seed takes time to grow and develop. So will this one!
Have I worked out what would happen if I did not succeed? Retreat in silence and write it off as a learning experience? Go back with my tail between my legs and admit that I have failed? Blame the Dutch!! I have given myself one year to try and prove that I can make it in Europe. A very short time to try and setup a company, but it is also a very long time …things can change overnight. One had to just light quite a few fires and watch them...kindle them. Sometimes when one least expects it, a new door opens. One intuitively knows that something will work out, but you hand yourself over to the universe and hope that going with the flow will lead to outcomes you may never have dreamt of. It is not necessary to understand all the details and implications...the freedom of choice gives one the courage to decide on a course of action and follow it through. I was going to need a lot of support from the team back home, but I can never let them take responsibility for what I have to do here. The beauty about responsibility is that I cannot hide behind blaming anybody else for my actions. I must stand or fall by it.
For the first time in a long time I got the opportunity to rest. Sometimes I spent whole days just thinking. Feeling guilty about this is natural, I think? One thing I have learnt over the years is that we create the future with our own thoughts. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself that thinking is hard work . .what we think, happens . . . that is why I am a staunch believer in miracles . . .think it, then…believe it!! Do I sometimes doubt my uncommon sense? Of course!! Life here would be way too boring and expensive without dashes of paradox to spice it up.
But, there is so much to be grateful for….my team back home who gave me this opportunity, my friends and family who communicate and sms almost every day. The very friends who have stood by me through thick and thin over the years. One sms R20, one phone call R100, one flight R7000. . . friendship, priceless!
Belinda, always encouraging and caring, Emmie, always dispensing her wisdom and aphorisms free of charge…. sustainable friendship...??? :-)... Mark, always ready with a witty comment and some encouraging words…go U K! Stefanie, unique, trusting, and a friend . . . always. Christo gooi the taaltje in every sms. (and is he doing a great job, or what!?) Willem, phoning when I really need someone to talk to (thanx ouboet!). . .Phillip reminding me that there are people who care (? :-)… Israel and Seipati phoning out of the blue. Janneman always upbeat! A joke from Liza, a word or two from Gaby, Tan’s eye on my spending spree and Gert trying to solve an unsolvable internet connection. Ulrich, thanx for bringing laughter and humour! Hell, how I wish you guys were here!!!
How can anyone forget South Africa with its wonderful people? I still cannot understand how some people could migrate (or run away to this?) …we live in the best place in the world!!! But because moving here was the road I have chosen…it makes it easier in some sort of way. Yes, here are many difficulties I have not reckoned with, but the touch of madness in this irresponsible step into the unknown has awoken an inner strength that is very hard to explain. I have also realized that I have very few strengths I can rely on (a reality check always convinces me that living in a fantasy is a much better option). It is also true that when we dig our own grave, we tend to dig very deep!
But there is always hope and belief….and the knowledge that I am now truly trying to make dreams come true. When you expect so much of yourself, the expectation of people back home grows even bigger… ITO has to support me … my team must run the business to their best ability…they have to take responsibility for a lot of mistakes I have made …wow, this is scary stuff…. I have always known that it is never about myself…and no man is an island….this experience confirms it once again. Does my team realize this?
The most important objective I aim to achieve is to LEARN….The language? Why business works in a certain way? How to break the rules? Everything Here Is OVERGEREGELD so I am sure I am breaking quite a few rules just by doing nothing! One has to also break the rules to be able to write new ones, I suppose! How to be unique? (easy one!) How to convince people to buy my business concept? How to try and convince business people to come to SA? And, most importantly? To create possibilities for South Africans to travel, and work, worldwide. Do you ever get to the end of the horizon?
The most important thing I am going to need here is perseverance…..that I found out very quickly … there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t do this, but I will have to rise above this and continue to chase the dream. Experiencing the same problems over and over has taught me to learn the things I do not necessarily want to learn…and it gives me experience. (Having had the pleasure of practicing with my steam iron a couple of times certainly convinced me that some competencies are definitely part of the female DNA! Help!
Someone once said that the best way of communicating with the angels is to talk to yourself. Yes, I have tried it several times….and yes, I also think I am going from slightly mad to …. (You work it out!) For the first time in a long time I can actually hear myself think again…and I just realize once again that what I think most of the time is really frightening. Utter bullshit is probably a good way to describe all the nonsense going through my mind. But it is FUN! Sorry tannie Gill . . . I know you understand!
Being afraid of the future has not changed ...in fact, the longer I stay here, the more afraid I become….The WHAT IF questions keep on running through my mind. What if I don’t sign up anybody? What if I do not get any work? What if we do not get enough work back home to keep me here…and what if I do not conform (suits? Ties?) to what is required…???? ( Ja, Pieter, I am sure you can relate to this!)
I find myself in a world where everything I was used to, everything I knew, all of a sudden became so unimportant, even useless. I have to unlearn so many things, and I have to learn to do so many new things. I am often very afraid to get myself to experience those new things. I often know I am going to fail even before I try them. So I have convinced myself to better fail quickly! And then I must get back onto that horse and try again ( we are normally the only people who sulk about our own bruised ego’s … and other people also do not have time to indulge in our misery, they have their own ego’s to worry about!) Overcoming obstacles gives me the confidence to continue my journey. So I try to do one new thing every day…Trying it …and often, trying again… and later, solving it! While I am here I am also going to explore the rest of the world. Have you not dreamt about getting on that train to no-where?
Things that seemed difficult all of a sudden start becoming easier. One of the big headaches was this “taaltje” that is very similar to Afrikaans, but also very unlike Afrikaans. At first I couldn’t follow a single sentence when people speak fast. I looked at all the beautiful women …but when they open their mouths you only hear a gg..u..gg..o….ge and jajaja…or JAAAA!!! In your face! Terrible!
It was then that it dawned on me ……. I will have to change! I must start liking them and I will have to force myself to think Dutch is not such a shit language!! Even in its written form, it looks like someone sat on a typewriter! As time goes by I am fortunately starting to make more sense of what people say. The repetitive adverts on TV help a great deal. For someone not used to watching TV, watching ads is more degrading than watching Sewende Laan. Sorry Flippie! But this isn’t called the lowlands for nothing…so let’s go low!! Still a long way from speaking it, but it is becoming a bit easier. I bought a course to learn the language …and added it to my goals. By the end of next year I want to be able to converse in Dutch! It is not a mindset…it is a mindf….(to quote the great buffalo!)
Life is different here. No BMW!! (Quite a few that belongs to other people!) Just my bicycle and in abundance: buses, taxis, trams and trains! Before you can apply for a parking space you have to stay here for 5 years or alternatively, pay R350 per DAY to park your car. And we think it is expensive to park at OR Tambo Airport! The new black, beautiful bicycle will have to be my means of transport for the next year…many times even more basic…my feet...they are free and always (?) willing!
Sometimes I just sit here and look at how life around me happens….it feels like I am in a movie house and all sorts of different acts are happening all around me. And so many people just do their own thing…Hare Krishna’s singing their message to the world, endless tourists with backpacks, Busloads of Chinese people taking pictures of everything that moves and doesn’t move, boats on the many canals, pigeons everywhere, even Sinterklaas is real (I promise you! I have seen him with my own eyes!)
In essence, life here carries you from one unknown to the next. It is almost like being in a maze and you never know what surprise or mystery is going to be around the next corner. What I see as exceptions will probably become the rules of the future. You bet, I will continue to try and make new ones!
Ps: Most people only get to visit great works of art . . . the Dutch get to live in one.
....and today, 7 September 2010, it is four years later.... so much has happened... my life has changed in so many ways ....
I will continue to write about my experiences, insights and the magic of life..... and if you can stomach and bare my scribblings (in my half baked English.... en ek skryf soms in Afrikaans ook ja!)... please join me on this site....
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